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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Mon, NOV 12th Continued....

We sat in the waiting room after signing the consent to proceed with taking the cannula's out from her neck. We had an hour till the surgery and an hour after that for the procedure, so we figured that we had time to get Ruby and Emmaus to nap before heading back. We got them down, and Heidi went back to the "lounge" and waited till they were done (that's when she did this afternoon's update). I'm sure we were both contemplating the same thing, at the same time... "She's been surviving on this machine for the last 2 weeks and now she's coming off, on her own, and no going back on..?" 

I'm just going to take you down one train of my thoughts: 
Noa is 3 weeks old (21 days). Beside looking at her and the occasional touch or kiss, I really don't know her (haven't even heard a sound from her)... But I'm madly in love with her. She practically been on life support since she's been born, having machines do the work for her. I know the risks involved with prolonged time on ECMO, and it still scares me to have her come off... What does that say about my faith? Do I trust the ECMO circuit more than I trust God?  If you would have asked me even yesterday, I would have told you, "I have 100% faith and trust in God"( I'd still tell you that today...) But it puts your money where your mouth is when it comes to this; "it's up to Noa and God now..." "I didn't have any control then, I sure don't have any now. So what am I hanging on to?" I'll have to get back to you with an answer...

We went back to the RMH for dinner and for the kids to settle in for the night. Heidi went back to be with Noa during the shift change and I started a movie in bed (Cloudy with a chance of meatballs). An hour later, this was the texts I got from Heidi...  

....Well, relaxing was impossible so I got the kids dressed and ran over there. We got to the waiting area and Heidi came out saying that "she's stable now."

She was off dialysis for a good amount of time and they had just put her back onto that circuit when the episode happened. She's a pretty touchy girl, she doesn't like change very much.    

I'm with her now and things are stable. I find myself staring at the monitor more than her because it tells me more..and right now her vitals look good. 

Getting back to that question.. Here's the thing, Gods not putting me to the test... He's not waiting for me to have this moment of clarity. All I have to do is "Praise him through this storm". He knows...

Verse of the day on my IPhone Bible App. Psalm 33:4-5

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